A much better day

Happy Mother's Day!!  Today was a much better day than yesterday and today I was reminded that even on days like I had yesterday (and have been having lately) to count your blessings.  My life is far from perfect...isn't everyone's, but it is good.  I have two great boys, a great husband, and a pretty good life.  My boys were such blessings today.  Ray did not have even 1 accident and he was my sweet little man again.  (Not the defiant boy that I have seen in the past week or so....don't get me wrong, his strong will drives me nuts, but someday I am sure that will serve him well.)  I was blessed with some lovely candles, a card from Ray, a very happy John, and a very relaxing day with my lovely family.  I know that not all days are as easy as today was, but I also am now reminded that when I have the really hard days...they are there for a reason and that they too will pass.  This week should go much better after a much needed break and some time to remember how much I LOVE MY BOYS!!  :) 

Sometimes I want to run away...sometimes I want to run home

I'm not sure how to start this post except to say that some days I want to run away and other days I want to run home.  I love my children with all my heart, really I do, but today has been one of those days when I want to run away.  Ray has had many accidents...some seem almost on purpose and John has been fussy.  Both boys have a cold and I am getting over one as well.  It is a beautiful day out, but somehow playing in the parking lot and little lawn gets boring real fast with no other adults or children around most of the time.  It is days like today when I get so tired of the monotony of being an SAHM.  Don't get me wrong, I know it is where I am meant to be and that is is the right thing for our family, but...  Well, let's just say that I am not great at playing with my boys...I just don't know how to sometimes.  The TV keeps us company and that is a horrible thing.  Heck, sometimes the TV keeps me awake.  I want Ray to start leaning preschool type stuff, but I do not even know where to begin.  (Or when to do this other than during John's nap.)  There are so many things that I tire of, but I have to say lack of real adult interaction is one of them.  I have been getting invited places a bit more now...but with my husband's schedule, it is hard to make it work....due to the whole 1 car thing.  That and we NEVER (well pretty much almost never) get invited anywhere as a family.  Is this due to Peter's schedule or are we really that unpopular? (Yes, I would love to have people over here and we have tried, but it keeps failing due to schedule conflicts, or some families I can't invite due to lack of space here...)  This makes me want to run away sometimes too.  To be honest, there are many things that bother me....but,

Then there are days when all I want to do is be here...when Ray just runs up to me to tell me he loves me or John wants to snuggle for a bit after his nap.  Or when my husband has a day off, or....

Yes, I know I have listed many more negatives than positives here...but like I said, today is a day when I want to run away.  It is days like today (and there are more thanI would like) when I am a mean mommy (my kids suffer when I am stressed out) and I usually regret most of my actions at the end of the day.

Sadly, tomorrow is Mother's Day and honestly I don't feel like a deserve that honor right now.

Thoughts

Here are some random thoughts in my head at the moment....

• I really should be spending this time as John has gone to bed and it is not Ray's bed time yet, playing with Ray...but alas he is watching TV and I am on here...what?!
• John's therapy session went well and I am sooo glad that it has finally started. Ray was weaned at 15 months and I was hoping for something similar with John...who knows now....
• The weather is WAY too warm for this time of year...what will the summer bring?
• I seem to do better at getting stuff done when I make a list and can cross things off...I have at least one friend who will appreciate this revelation :)
• I, in some ways, loathe money....'nuff said there I think....
• I go back and forth a lot on wanting more children....I have always wanted 4 (ideally 2 of each), but I'm just not sure sometimes....I guess God knows what I am meant to do here....
• Sometimes I miss teaching, or working in general...other times I wouldn't go back for a million dollars.
• John fights sleep big time at this age..spends most evenings falling asleep nursing and then crying when you place him in his crib....didn't like this stage with Ray and I do not like it with John either. :(

Well, I know there were more thoughts in there, but my dad just called and interrupted my train of thought, so mommy brain has kicked in and I am drawing a complete blank...LOL 'Night all :)

Improvement needed

I have been examining myself lately and noticing areas where I feel really improved and areas where I really need work. Sadly, the areas where I feel good about myself are fewer than those where I need work....though I suppose this is the case with most of us.

Lately I have felt that I am doing a better job at being less selfish as a mommy....I have learned that no matter how badly I may want to do something out of the house, that the health and safety of my kids is much more important. I think the whole pneumonia and bronchilitis thing that we went through recently really made this hit home for me. I am not doing so great yet at being a less selfish wife....although this whole hubby has control of the TV for a week is surprisingly helpful....I am seeing how relaxed he seems watching his shows and it is inspiring me to let him watch a little more.....might help him with his goal of being on the computer less too. (I really need to work on letting him rest more.)
Speaking of resting, this is an area that continues to plague me....even when I get what should be the right amount of sleep for the night, I still want to return to bed for a bit after Peter returns from his paper route. Now part of this is how I control my depression...it does cause me to not want to start my day right away, but the rest of it well..I am not sure what that is all about. I know I would feel more energized, if I got up, read my Bible, ate breakfast, etc at the same time every day, but I seem to lack the motivation. (Now, my boys are up by 7am most days - John is usually up earlier than that - so this is part of it....I am not a morning person, so the idea of getting up at 5:30am so I can get things done before they are up is probably never going to happen....) However, I could use the time before Peter goes to his 2nd job or goes to bed to rest for a night shift to do more than I actually do....why don't I is what I ask myself.
(Oh, and let us not forget that I find myself eating throughout the day as a means to stay awake or just out of boredom....hardly ever a good snack and usually done while Ray is not looking so as he does not pick up my bad habit...sneaking food, really?!)
I am also one of the worst housekeepers you will meet....the dust piles up, the floor needs vacuumed (especially now that John is crawling), bathroom needs to be cleaned way more often that it happens, yet I don't feel bad about this until I go to finally get around to doing it and then I am horrified.
In some ways I feel that I am a lazy mommy who needs to spend more time playing with her boys and in other ways I feel that I am lazy and need to focus more on housework. I do not do enough of either activity. Raymond plays well alone and John spends most of his day nursing...or so that is how I feel. I felt like I accomplished a lot this morning in the way of cleaning while John slept, but then I also felt that I could have spent it better breaking out the play dough and playing with Ray. Anyone else have trouble with this conundrum?
I want to do better at grocery shopping and menu planning as well. Though a lot of nights I feel like no matter what I make, there is no point because Ray will more than likely not touch his dinner and so far I still struggle with convincing John that food (other than the stuff that comes from mommy) is a good thing.
As always, I welcome your thoughts....I was going to keep going, but I think this post has been a bit of a ramble (and possibly a bit confusing) already ;)